The Simpsons Religion Quotes

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008) Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.  Ned Flanders: People are not mice!  Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.  Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.  Homer Simpson: Oh.  [leaves dejected]  Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.  Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?  Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine. 

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Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job! 

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Native (Q'Toktok): Why are you building chapel?

Homer: Because you're all terrible sinners.

Q'Toktok: Since when?

Homer: Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to Hell.

...later...

Homer: Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him.

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Lisa: All through history self-anointed seers have predicted the end of the world and they've always been wrong. Homer: But sweetheart I have something they didn't have. A good feeling about this!

Lisa: Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism. Father Sean: Buddhism? (laughs) Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.Lisa: I'll ignore that.

Bart: Easy on the zeal Churchos… I've got something to say. Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

Homer: (confessing) I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Woohoo I'm clean! In your face lord!

Marge: Homer, you don't have to pray outloud. Homer: But he's way the hell up there!

Ned: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. Homer: No Flanders its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.

Don’t worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. -God

Homer: Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer: Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder.

I was at Bible camp, learning how to be more judgemental. - Maude

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. - Homer

Seen on Christian school sign: We put the Fun back in Fundamentalist Dogma!

Bart: Wow! God is so in your face. Homer: Yea, he’s my favorite fictional character.

Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa? - Bart

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion. - Superintendent Chalmers

Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? - Homer

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? (looking up at ceiling). Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.

Homer: Is it true you priest guys can't ever... you know? Father Sean: I'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges. Homer: Celibacy I was talking about the meat on Friday thing. Man you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.

Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.-- Homer Simpson

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things. - Ned Flanders

Moe: I was wondering if you could help save my soul. I've done stuff I aint proud of and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral. - The Rev Lovejoy

Evolution of Homer Simpson

Family Guy Evolution

It was a touchy subject for me, and others I'm sure, simply because of the idea that life is meaningless without god. It sounds to me like it's a psychological issue and nothing to do with reality. Suck it up and deal with the hand the universe dealt you I say. It doesn't care or revolve around us or our tiny planet. Ive seen enough theist arguments far too many times and they base their beliefs around some bronze age text written by camel dung smokin' nomads. Einstein certainly was not theist and certainly did not get any of his ideas from priests or the bible.

Evolution successfully describes the diversity of life, and has survived 150 years of the smartest men on the planet trying to debunk it and is one of the most tested theories on the planet. In return, all most Christians can do is say 'I don't believe it'. An empty argument, not backed up by any evidence, and usually founded on prejudice.

I think Creationists have lost the plot because of their perspective about the Earth's age. Time is an irrelevance and is actually a human construct. We count time by the amount of times we notice ourselves move around the sun, therefore when we start saying things are millions of years old they start to sound like unbelievably large numbers beyond our comprehension. Just imagine how long it took for dinosaurs to evolve then die out before another age of life took its place. You think it takes a while to microwave pizza!

To say life doesn't evolve is like saying cows are not mammals.

Everybody loves Ned Flanders

Ned Flanders to play Commisioner Gordon?

Ned Flanders is perhaps the most well known Christian on television. Yeah, I'm aware he's not a real person, but he does embody the stereotype well. He has some annoying as hell features that are all too familiar, but mixed in with some redeeming features too. There must be some ex-Christian writers on the writing staff because they are definitely in on the joke. As a Christian, I used to be both proud and deeply ashamed of the character. Wikipedia has a pretty full profile on the guy and I pulled out a few interesting paragraphs.

Ned is obsessed with following the Bible as literally as possible (even "the stuff that contradicts the other stuff") and is easily shocked when challenged on any point of dogma. This has led to his frequent calls to Reverend Lovejoy ("I... I think I'm coveting my own wife!") who has become increasingly frustrated with Flanders ("Ned...have you thought about one of the other major denominations? They're all pretty much the same.") He is an extreme prude at times and even avoids saying the word "sex" aloud, even when there are no children in sight — he either spells it out or sheepishly calls it "doodily". Ned also uses the word "doodle" or "shrinky-dink" when referring to a penis.

Most of the entertainment enjoyed by the family involves religion in some way. For instance, the family uses at least five different versions of the Bible to play "Bombardment...of Bible Questions!" ("The bridal feast of Beth Chadruharazzeb!?").

In the episode "HOMЯ", after Homer has a crayon removed from his brain and becomes super-intelligent, Homer tells Flanders that "I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no God". He hands Ned a piece of paper with the proof. Skeptical, Ned says "We'll just see about that." Ned reads the paper, his face falling. "Nope, it's airtight. Can't let this little doozy get out." Ned then uses a lighter to burn the proof, while, in the background, Homer puts more copies of his formula on the windshields of nearby cars.

Despite his convictions and antagonism towards other faiths, he is still honest and sincere in carrying out the Christian doctrines of charity, kindness and compassion. He also means to be a good neighbor to the Simpsons, regularly asking about their lives and offering his assistance — and then suffering the consequences often paid to those with good intentions.

One might also note the irony in the fact that Ned Flanders, who runs a store for left-handed people, is considered the ultimate god-worshiper, and the following of alternative religions (Such as Buddhism) is called the left-hand path.