Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts

My Cinematic Alphabet - N

I started doing a movie meme called 'My Cinematic Alphabet' and got through the letters A to M. When I started getting tired of messing with the clunky and cumbersome Blogspot formatting I instead decided to focus on one letter at a time. The meme rules state that one movie must be picked per letter, but I just can't. I can't. This reworked meme will also serve to actually give me something to freakin' blog about each day or so or week. Today's blog is brought to you by the letter 'N'.

Napoleon Dynamite

My first impulse is to feature Napoleon Dynamite, because I completely love every line of that movie. It's awkward, and real, and sweet, and cringe-worthy, and is one of a kind. I'm a real sucker for coming of age movies and although I'm not sure he did 'come-of-age', it's a movie that hits me in a part of my brain that remembers being that age all to well. in fact, I think I stayed there.

Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills
The Notebook

The second honorable mention goes to The Notebook, because of quotes like these and how they affected my/our lives:

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you."

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

Q. Do you think our love can make miracles? A. I do.
A Nightmare on Elm Street

My third of four favourite movies, to the Nth degree, is A Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy was a killer character that actually DID exist, if only in the young fertile imagination of my mind. He regularly intruded into my nightmares as a teen, and they were the sort of dreams that actually woke me up in fear, and I loved it. I'm still fascinated by dreams that can fill my head with that level of unreality and terror. The original movie was perfect and the third was great fun with the idea of the dream warriors being able to inhabit the same dream between them.

I can't really remember the fourth and fifth movies (Dream child... dunno, and no I'm not googling it right now), but I remember putting the 3D glasses on for what was supposed to be the 6th and Final Nightmare. After that, Wes Craven's New Nightmare was inventive, and Freddy vs. Jason was crossover coolness. I never saw the reboot, and don't care if I don't, but I probably will... and soon.

Why are you screaming? I haven't even cut you yet
Noise

The final movie, and the one that is most important to me, is a little Australian movie called 'Noise,' written and directed by Matthew Saville.


Tinnitus sucks. It really does.

The community reels after an incident on a suburban train. A young cop, beset with doubt and afflicted with tinnitus, is pitched into the chaos that follows this tragic event. He struggles to clear the noises in his head while all around him deal with the after burn of the crime.

I have a particular bias towards this film, and not just because it's VERY Australian, but because of the condition our lead character suffers with: Tinnitus. I've had chronic Tinnitus for ten years now, and it only gradually gets easier to live with. The constant high pitched shriek in my ears is like a demon that never sleeps, but whose very existence is to torment and torture me for all my living days in this world, but hey... I've got a blog for that already.

Loneliness and emptiness are states that Aussies can't help but explore. The twenty million of us live in a broad brown land with vast oceans between our neighbours, and some of them used our giant island as a prison for their unwanted citizens. There are shades of film noir in this movie accompanied by brilliant art direction and visually stunning cinematography. It is a very moving story that may leave you sadly speechless when the film ends. Warning: there may be plot holes a plenty.

Officer Graham grapples with the non-stop noise of Tinnitus in his head while manning a caravan that the public can visit and report to should they have any pertinent information to the crime. Graham is a nobody who few have respect for, and he's been kicked out of normal duty to do these late night shifts at the van. But perchance, his little van gets some shady characters that may or may not have information . How do you deal with the noise? How do you deal with people responsibly when the noise in your head frustrates you to the point where it take precedence over anything else? I've been there and it lingers.

This is a simple but brilliant film that has a lot to enjoy and will easily give you a subject for conversation afterwards, because I know, in every crowd of people there's some poor soul there, like me, with a demon in his ear.

The Simpsons Religion Quotes

"The Simpsons: Mona Leaves-a (#19.19)" (2008) Apu: She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.  Ned Flanders: People are not mice!  Apu: Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.  Ned Flanders: No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.  Homer Simpson: Oh.  [leaves dejected]  Apu: That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.  Ned Flanders: Even the sing-alongs?  Apu: No, the sing-alongs are fine. 
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Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job! 
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Native (Q'Toktok): Why are you building chapel?

Homer:
Because you're all terrible sinners.

Q'Toktok:
Since when?

Homer:
Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to Hell.

...later...

Homer:
Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: All through history self-anointed seers have predicted the end of the world and they've always been wrong. Homer: But sweetheart I have something they didn't have. A good feeling about this!

Lisa: Everyone should be able to choose their faith, just like I chose Buddhism. Father Sean: Buddhism? (laughs) Well, I guess lots of kids have imaginary friends.Lisa: I'll ignore that.

Bart: Easy on the zeal Churchos… I've got something to say. Don't you get it? It's all Christianity, people! The little stupid differences are nothing next to the big stupid similarities!

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

Homer: (confessing) I wiped a booger on your shirt, I made a dog and a cat kiss, I swiped a bolted down tv from a holiday inn, I coveted the wife in Jaws 2, I lied to a waiter, I masturbated 8 billion times and I have no plans to stop masturbating in the future. Woohoo I'm clean! In your face lord!

Marge: Homer, you don't have to pray outloud. Homer: But he's way the hell up there!

Ned: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. Homer: No Flanders its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.
Don’t worry, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year. -God

Homer: Oh, everything’s too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody’s a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer: Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder.

I was at Bible camp, learning how to be more judgemental. - Maude

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such. - Homer

Seen on Christian school sign: We put the Fun back in Fundamentalist Dogma!

Bart: Wow! God is so in your face. Homer: Yea, he’s my favorite fictional character.

Hey, since when is Christmas just about the presents? Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa? - Bart

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion. - Superintendent Chalmers

Stealing! How could you? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? - Homer

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? (looking up at ceiling). Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.

Homer: Is it true you priest guys can't ever... you know? Father Sean: I'll admit the vow of celibacy is one of our sterner challenges. Homer: Celibacy I was talking about the meat on Friday thing. Man you guys got more crazy rules than Blockbuster Video.

Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.-- Homer Simpson

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things. - Ned Flanders
Moe: I was wondering if you could help save my soul. I've done stuff I aint proud of and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral. - The Rev Lovejoy
Evolution of Homer Simpson

10 Best reasons Gay Marriage is wrong:

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Random links, jokes and quotes I StumbledUpon

Oh man.... another vice to keep me glued to the computer: Stumble Upon! One of those things I've neglected up til now because ya gotta attach it to your toolbar, but hey, it's the ultimate way to surf the Internet. I'd actually forgotten about 'websites' - I spend most of my time blog jumping nowadays. I like the interactivity of blogs, whereas websites seem like cold lonely places. I'm sick at home stumbling around the Net - here's a compilation of stuff I found, it'll save you some time. You can thank me later.

Church Jokes:

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Agnostic Quotes:

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.

Fun Religion Links:

You'll also find these in the link list on the sidebar

Jesus vs. Jeezus - Look at Jesus then compared to now. My, how he's grown!

Fundingo - It's fundy, it's Bingo... it's fundingo! Print it off and keep it handy whenever you read or participate in an online-debate with a fundy. Cross off the fallacies, dodgy reasoning and personal attacks as they appear. Score one point for each box crossed out, and ten points if you make a line of four vertically or horizontally.

The God Simulator - Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be God? Here’s your chance to find out. This simulation puts you in the place of God. As God, you are both omnipotent and omniscient. You have the power to do or create anything. No problem is insurmountable for you.

Godchecker - We have more Gods than you can shake a stick at. Godchecker's Mythology Encyclopedia currently features over 2,850 deities.

After? - Comic strip about a boy who dies and has a conversation with God.

Which Circle? - This comic strip series is a great. It portrays the irrelevance and hypocrisy prevalent in the Christian world.

Moral Compass! Spin the compass and check out with religion's morality suits you. I think Universalism wins.

Skeptics Report - Things creationists hate

Cult construction kit - Simply select the beliefs that are most advantageous to you and ‘The Cult Construction Set’ will generate actual Bible scriptures to support these beliefs. Now you too can start your own Cult in the comfort of your home!

How to tell if you're a fundamentalist - multiple-choice questions

Can't dance? Now you can! - This is just cute!

DETOX - The religious recovery webzine, because religion is ridiculous.

hypothetical script - "I want to be with my wife in Hell"

Real Life Sea Monsters - 24 Bizarre Creatures of the Deep - If a god did design these things, I'd worry. Speaking of sea monsters consider the following story:

Giant Squid - For some years, some biologists have argued that there was a 7th day of creation, during which God thought about his prototypes and finally made the crowning glory of his creation here on Earth: the giant squid.

The world was created as a habitat for the giant squid. Humans were put here to control the large predators that would otherwise bother the giant squid. We are programmed to ignore the giant squid, and to not take actions that would harm them.

Fundie Files

Some quotes from Atheists Online

EGGMYSTIC: 7 days without prayer , makes one weak!

JeIcoJo: I may be a nut but I'm screwed onto the right bolt - JESUS

JesusFierySword: WARNING: Exposure to the SON may prevent BURNING

GoTheNation: Anyone here wearing their cape? Cause honestly you would have to be super stupid, to reject eternal life through forgivness.

SINOTME: Christians = Can't Handle Reality Issues, So They Invent A Nonsensical Scenario

ASeaOfSins: C.H.R.I.S.T.I.A.N.S. = Cretins Happily Reading Inconsistent Silly Tales Involving A Non-existent Savior

K billy DJ: Well happy satan worshipping to you all.. i'm off to cut the nuts off of baby bunny rabbits and dip them in goat shit while burning them in a poool of fire.. cya guys

ASeaOfSins: The Holy Bible™ A Grim Fairy Tale by Lord thy God. Copyright ª 325 AD, Council of Nicea. All Rights Reserved. All characters and situations in this book are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is strictly coincidental.

ASeaOfSins: Our Father, who aren't in Heaven, hollow be thy name. Thy kingdom dumb, their brains are numb; on Earth yet day-dreaming of Heaven.

ASeaOfSins: Give them, this day, a reality check. And forgive them their trespasses, as we loathe those who preach at or against us.

ASeaOfSins: Lead us not into religion, but deliver us from superstition. For thou art bunk, and mythology, and a fraud-almighty. Forever believed in never. Amen.OnlineHost:

A tribute to those who are Christian by name only

You call yourself a Christian, but

  • You still haven't read the Bible all the way through, even though you usually have the 'Fifteen Minutes a Day' it takes. You're conveniently avoiding the numerous tricky scriptures atheists throw at you.
  • You get in slumps where you only pray to "God" when you need something, or things are going bad.
  • You're secretly happy when circumstances prevent you from going to church.
  • You sometimes can't help tuning out the sermon (because it's so "damn" boring)
  • You often feel embarrassed by your fellow arms-in-the-air/crying zealot.
  • You get annoyed when you're requested to stand (you were obliged to get up early on a weekend; who can blame you?).
  • You act like the offering plate is a hot potato when it's passed to you.
  • You have closed your eyes or slept during sermon.

You call yourself a Christian at HOME

You call yourself a Christian, therefore you believe God will always provide, so why do you sometimes jip God of his tithe because you feel you've wasted money on something that month?

You call yourself a Christian, but you like watching Desperate Housewives just as much as the next guy.

You call yourself a Christian, but you "witness" to other people about as often as you tell them your blood type (or you're in the other extreme and all sense of being "Christ-like" goes out the window when you do).

You call yourself a Christian, therefore are against abortion by default, but what about the millions of half-children you're killing every time you whack off (to porn?).

You call yourself a Christian, so why is it that various sources say that your faith has the highest divorce rate, while atheists have the lowest of all? Ironic, don't you think?

You call yourself a Christian and are against abortion, but when was the last time you gave money or time to crisis pregnacy centres.

You call yourself a Christian and never have the highly advertised "Quiet time with the lord." You think you can make up for it by listening to Christian music in the car, even though most times you aren't even paying attention.

You call yourself a christian, but revel in the idea of eternal torment for those that disagree with your belief system.

You call yourself a christian but find it acceptable that the people you love so much may be sent to eternal torment because they said or thought something contrary to your beliefs.

You call yourself a Christian, but have an idea that some sins are worse than others. Distorting the truth can be justified if it results in a "win" for God, but being gay is undoubtedly an offense worthy of death and eternal fire.

You call yourself christian,but can't accept all other god beliefs, not even the 30 000 plus religious flavors of christ.

You call yourself a Christian, but you adhere to "selective morality" when it comes to obeying what The Word teaches. Don't you love God enough to do what He says? Consider the following:

  • People should give one-tenth of their income to the Lord, which Biblicists equate with church (“And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the Lord’s...And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the Lord”--Leviticus 27:30-32)

  • “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak”-- 1 Corinthians 14:34

  • Christian women are supposed to dress discreetly (“...that women should adorn themselves modestly and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly attire”--l Timothy 2:9 RSV

  • Shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God”--Deuteronomy 22:5

  • “If any man come to me, and not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sister, yet, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).

  • "Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?" (l Corinthians 11:14)

  • Here is perhaps the mother of verses ignored: “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1) and “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged, condemn not and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). I have yet to meet a Christian who has not judged my atheism.

  • repetitious and monotonous praying is in violation of Matthew 6:7. “But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.”

  • (“But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also”-- Matthew 5:39).

  • Biblicists are not allowed to call anyone “father” (“And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven” (Matthew 23:9).

  • Christians are not supposed to plan or prepare. God will provide (“Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or that ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on... Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, not gather into barns; yet your heavenly father feedth them. Are ye not much better than they?”

  • Tattoos are anathema: (“You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh on account of the dead or tattoo any marks upon you. I am the Lord”--Leviticus 19:28)

  • Money cannot be lent at interest to your brother, only to foreigners (Deuteronomy 23: 19-20) Ahhh, I’m recalling all the Christian banking corporations....

  • Eating pork is forbidden (Deuteronomy 14:8). Hmm, I’ve never met a Christian who DIDN’T enjoy bacon and eggs.

  • A man must marry and have relations with his dead brother’s wife (Deuteronomy 25:5-6). This goes without explaining of course.

  • A seducer must marry an unengaged virgin whom he seduces (Exodus 22:16-17)

  • A raped, unengaged virgin must marry her rapist and they can never divorce (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). What justice the “moral majority” advocates.

  • Bastards can’t enter the Lord’s congregation. (Deuteronomy 23:2) Hey, I know this is harsh, but God commands it, hence it must be “just”.

There are several petty and silly little verses in the O.T., but none the less, they are to be followed. I guess it’s okay to disobey the lord for fashion’s sake. Beards can’t be rounded (Leviticus 19:27); A garment composed of wool and linen can’t be worn (Deuteronomy 22:11)

What would Buffy do? (WWBD)

Buffy and Angel were at the height of pop culture not too long ago and was a brilliant mythology written by the great Joss Whedon (who seems to love killing his own characters off). I'm a proud fan and yes, male? It can be a little embarrassing to admit just how many books and articles I have read about the television show, but I find many of the unlearned didn't take it seriously because of the title, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." It's a clever oxymoron of sorts... She a chosen one to save the world and she has the strength and wisdom passed down through the ages... and her name is Buffy (that's comedy).

If you try to put your enthusiasm into words, people look at you funny. Unless they are one of the lucky ones who have actually seen the show, and then their eyes light up with glee.


As one critic put it, "Buffy" is the most religious show on TV, (although I'd say The Simpson should take that title - seriously) a "secular universe saturated with grace." There are many spiritual metaphors concerning the slayer's personal spirituality, to an examination of what could be called the show's prophetic themes: saving the world and deliverance from evil. Buffy can be examined as a self-sacrificing savior; as can her catchphrase 'death is a gift'; the power of friendship; and the necessity of going through negative emotions.

"Buffy is a Christ figure, but only insofar as she is constantly averting the apocalypse through self-sacrifice. On Buffy, people atone for their own sins. Redemption is hard work and it us up to us. Redemption is a process requiring action; words are not enough. There's no salvation by grace in the Buffyverse. Angel and other characters find salvation only in work, self-sacrifice, and courageous choices."

"Buffy is all about confronting our dark sides and learning to live comfortably--or at least co-exist nonviolently--with our monster selves. Many people would rather deny their dark shadow, pretend it isn't there. But ignoring it entirely, according to the show, is a dangerous as allowing it to rule our lives. As Willow learns she doesn't have to be a bigger, badder badass than the source of all badness. She needs to control the darkness so it does not control her. In the end she discovers that it's enough just to be Willow, with all of her complexiities, all of her darkness, and her much stonger goodness." (pages 117-118) Click book picture above to source it from Amazon.

Well, I could go on and on about buffy, but I won't. All I can say is that it's a good pop-cultural way of sorting through all sorts of spiritual odds and ends to find what is good and beautiful. Actually I will go on a bit more. This is a respond to your request EekyJo, It's a long list and I trimmed it down from the original 150 - I can't seem to hedge off anymore - so here's the 71:

Everything I've learned I learnt from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer":

  1. TV is the idiot box. The computer is the good box.
  2. Testosterone is the great equalizer; it turns all men into morons.
  3. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
  4. Variety is the spice of bad.
  5. Blood is life. It's what makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead.
  6. Don't eat the principal.
  7. Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's every day, but it's what we have to do.
  8. Love makes you do the wacky.
  9. Always carry a beeper in case the apocalypse comes.
  10. A good day to break up with someone is any day but Valentine's Day or your wedding day.
  11. The world is what it is. We fight. We die. Wishing doesn't change that.
  12. Be careful what you wish for. And whom you make wishes to.
  13. There comes a time when you either have to move out of your parents' basement or buy yourself a Klingon costume and just go with it.
  14. Live in the now.
  15. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead.
  16. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever. But get over it or pretty soon you won't have the friends you have now.
  17. There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate.
  18. Home schooling: it's not just for scary religious people anymore.
  19. All men are beasts.
  20. Want. Take. Have.
  21. Sarcasm is an end in itself.
  22. Stalking a girl is not a turn-on.
  23. Beer is bad. And also foamy.
  24. Magic and medicine don't mix.
  25. There's nothing like getting your ass kicked to make your ass hurt.
  26. People in love are always a little crazy. And a little dangerous.
  27. There are a lot of different kinds of families.
  28. It's not always about you. Unless you're MothandRust.
  29. Find out the returns and exchanges policy on all gifts.
  30. Tell people you love them over and over until it makes everyone uncomfortable, just in case.
  31. Life is like becoming vampire: it's a whole big sucking thing.
  32. The geeks shall inherit the earth. Or possibly conquer it.
  33. In life you can either do things the hard way or...actually, there's just the hard way.
  34. Smart chicks are hot.
  35. Sometimes life is one big scavenger hunt.
  36. It is a statistical impossibility for a teenage girl to unplug a phone.
  37. Schools are just factories, spewing out mindless little automatons... Who go on to be very valuable and productive members of society and you should go.
  38. Never kiss your best friend. (Exemption for impending death situations.)
  39. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned. No, really.
  40. They don't make angry mobs like they used to.
  41. No matter how good it sounds, a robot is not a good substitute for a real relationship.
  42. Tact is just not saying true stuff.
  43. Saying "as long as nothing bad happens" is the ultimate jinx.
  44. Society has rules and boundaries and an endzone.
  45. Everyone has an evil twin.
  46. Chicks really dig that billowy-coat-king-of-pain thing.
  47. Vengeance is not justice.
  48. You always hurt the ones you love.
  49. Life's a show and we all play our part.
  50. Dancing and songs don't always lead to hugs and puppies.
  51. Witty repartee will throw off your enemies.
  52. Life's not a song. Life isn't bliss. Life is just this: it's living.
  53. Always laugh in the face of danger. And then hide until it goes away.
  54. Everyone should get a chance to watch and mock and laugh.
  55. Logic has no place in a rant.
  56. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms.
  57. Graduation is a pointless ceremony where you sit around and listen to boring speeches till you get a little piece of paper that says you graduated, which you already know.
  58. The "he started it" defense only works in six-year-old court.
  59. The earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
  60. To forgive is an act of compassion. It's not done because people deserve it. It's done because they need it.
  61. Some lies are necessary.
  62. Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
  63. There are three kinds of people that no one understands: geniuses, madmen, and guys that mumble.
  64. Bruises fade but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.
  65. When you leave someone at the alter, it's really hard to go back to dating her.
  66. Lesbians are really less about the hating of men and more about the girl-on-girl action.
  67. Sometimes the most adult thing you can do is ask for help when you need it.
  68. It is sometimes possible to save the world with just words, love, and a yellow crayon.
  69. Love is pain. The slayer forges strength from pain. Love, give, forgive, risk the pain.
  70. There's only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's us.
  71. You think you know. What's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun.

Christopher Hitchens "Quotes" - "God Ain't Gr8"

Are Dawkins and Hitchens the new 'in' thang? Arrogant and ever so polite, and so much fun to watch in a debate. Perhaps my university lecturers were right about the age we're moving into? We've got access to information like never before and have had it at our fingertips for a while now, but the information age is over, they say. It's a new dawn, it's a new age - The age of Wisdom - the age of Aquarius??? We've got the information, and tonnes of it increasing exponentionally, it's time to sort through all the crap and debate it reasonably.

Hitchens doesn't pull any punches, and he's a brilliant stirrer. He is controversial and comes across as extremely offensive to some... but yet still, as I said, incredibly polite. The English accent helps. I'm a groupie and I'll admit it. He's great and here are some of my favourite quotes:

I will not play with the toys. Don’t bring the toys to my house. Don’t say my children must play with the toys. Enough with clerical and religious bullying and intimidation.

The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics.

(To a 'reverend' in a recent debate) "I have to say it in your presence, sir, I think that the title reverend is something people should be more concerned to live down than live up," Mr. Hitchens said.

Intelligent design? Babies are not born beautiful (says the God of the Bible), they need to be sawn a bit.

The mildest criticism of religion is also the most radical and the most devastating one. Religion is man-made. Even the men who made it cannot agree on what their prophets or redeemers or gurus actually said or did.

The Aztecs had to tear open a human chest cavity every day just to make sure that the sun would rise. Monotheists are supposed to pester their deity more times than that, perhaps, lest he be deaf.

Ethics do not require that lies be told to children by evil old men.

We find this wonderful truffle and open it and look at the chocolate and throw it away and then munch on the wrapper.

The discovery of the carcass of Jerry Falwell on the floor of an obscure office in Virginia has almost zero significance, except perhaps for two categories of the species labeled “credulous idiot.”

There is no vileness that cannot be freely uttered by a man whose name is prefaced with the word Reverend.

Like many fanatical preachers, Falwell was especially disgusting in exuding an almost sexless personality while railing from dawn to dusk about the sex lives of others. His obsession with homosexuality was on a par with his lip-smacking evocations of hellfire. From his wobbly base of opportunist fund raising and degree-mill money-spinning in Lynchburg, Va., he set out to puddle his sausage-sized fingers into the intimate arrangements of people who had done no harm. Men of this type, if they cannot persuade enough foolish people to part with their savings, usually end up raving on the street and waving placards about the coming day of judgment. But Falwell, improving on the other Chaucerian frauds from Oral Roberts to Jim Bakker to Ted Haggard, not only had a TV show of his own but was also regularly invited onto mainstream ones.

It’s a shame that there is no hell for Falwell to go to, and it’s extraordinary that not even such a scandalous career is enough to shake our dumb addiction to the “faith-based.”

You have to watch this video... The man Hitchens owns the phrase "pull no punches".


The 10 Craziest Things Rev. Jerry Falwell Ever Said

10. "The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

9. "The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."

8. "I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

7. "AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers ... AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

6. "Nothing will motivate conservative evangelical Christians to vote Republican in the 2008 presidential election more than a Democratic nominee named Hillary Rodham Clinton - not even a run by the devil himself ...certainly hope that Hillary is the candidate. She has $300 million so far. But I hope she's the candidate. Because nothing will energize my [constituency] like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he wouldn't." --at a "Values Voter Summit"

5. "Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."

4. "Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America."

3. "He is purple — the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle — the gay pride symbol." –from a "Parents Alert" issued in Jerry Falwell's National Liberty Journal, warning that "Tinky Winky," a character on the popular PBS children's show, "Teletubbies," may be gay

2. "You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops. And I'm for the president to chase them all over the world. If it takes 10 years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."

1. "The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" --on the 9/11 attacks.

Daniel Kurtzman,


The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

You might be a Christian if...

You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, animals and trees!

You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of the Earth (a few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is just a few generations old.

You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

While modern science, history, geology, biology, physics and textual scholarship fail to convince you that the Bible may be less than reliable, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" is all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply God saying "No."

You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Evilbible.com

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Quotes I can relate to from recent ex-Christians

I work in corrections, so I see a lot of people who have done bad things. I've learned that being professional and reasonable goes a lot farther when dealing with people then being rude and thoughtless. I've also learned that pretending to care does nothing for people. Commandments like "love your enemy" and "do good to those that persecute you" seem misplaced when dealing with dictators, sex offenders or serial killers. I should think that the Bible should say, "Be fair-minded and just with those who are your enemies. Respond with reason and integrity toward those who persecute you." That makes far more sense than loving your enemies. Bill J

The Christian faith served me for a time, albeit not very well. It kept me immaturely dependent upon an invisible God to guide my life and meet my needs when I should have shouldered those responsibilities myself. I would have saved a lot of heartache and grief had I done so. George R Davis

Every pre-Christianity religion
(Osirian, Hinduism, Mithraism, Zoroastrianism, Judaism, Islam, and others), and Christianity as well, have their own texts (bibles), books that were put together by men influenced by their 'imagination.' And it was men who gave a mystical interpretation to their legends, myths, and fables that were passed down from early generations. Mary R


Despite all of my objection
part of me still wishes from time to time that I could believe. That I could experience those good feelings again. But I also want to know the truth and I don’t want to commit myself to an idea or belief if I don’t have a solid reason to believe it in the first place. So unless something miraculous happens, I don’t believe I will ever be returning to the faith again, at least not the faith that I was raised to believe in. - Gregg T


“The only inner problem that I face now is a philosophical one,
”
“I am not unhappy about the fact that there might not be a God,” Jonathan Edwards says. “I don’t feel that my life has a big, gaping hole in it. In some ways I feel more human than I ever have. He says. “If there is no God, does that mean that life has no purpose? Does it mean that personal existence ends at death? They are thoughts that do my head in. One thing that I can say, however, is that even if I am unable to discover some fundamental purpose to life, this will not give me a reason to return to Christianity. Just because something is unpalatable does not mean that it is not true.” - Atheist Dad
I’ll warn ya
—being willing to change can be a terrifying aspect. We don’t like change. Change is uncomfortable and scary. What if you change to something that is equally as wrong? What if willingness to change is seen as a lack of faith? For me, the fear of being wrong about God by refusal to change outweighed the uncertain prospect of allowing the change. Thus my first step on a journey I am glad I took… Dagwood S


The concept of belief,
knowledge, how do we know what we think we know, what is belief anyway, why does Christianity in one sentence say "we believe" and then by slight of hand, the next minute, assume absolute knowledge. Is this not deceptive?. I remember the moment I realized that I no longer believed; it was almost like an epiphany. Their was a tinge of sadness, anger that so much had been lost in my life for superstition, also a feeling of such freedom like the first time in spring when the sun has strength enough to warm your face. -
Scott D

There's no such thing as a "sin"
. By calling someone's actions a "sin", you are falsely implying that there exists a "Divine" universal "code", and from there, implying that there exists a "Divine" giver of said "code", and that this giver's "Word" is intrinsically "ethical", no matter what---no "if", "ands", or "buts". WRONG. For example, killing innocent people is unethical, whether a "God" condones it, or not; stoning rebelious teenagers is unethical, whether a "God" says it is, or not. If "Jesus" started telling Christian parents that it's "okay" to throw rocks at their teenaged children if they should become rebelious, what percentage of Christians do you think would actually start doing it? And if there was a small percentage of mentally ill people who would actually follow through, thus, causing division amongst "followers", which group would be considered the "True Christians"?...the ones who pelt their kids with rocks?... or the one's who choose not to? - BoomSLANG


We are the enemies of God?
- Christianity teaches that we are enemies of God by default, all for the crime of being born with the stain of a single man's sin on our souls. It teaches that the only way we can escape the inevitable punishment for such a heinous crime is to believe in a man without the aid of any helpful proof. -
Brooke T

Jesus got it wrong - the early Christians made up their own ways or methods on how to understand what Jesus said. None of those methods are used today by any Christians anywhere. The literalists did not take it literally like Christians do today; today’s Christians invented their own literalist methods.- By R. S. Martin

Help! My husband thinks I'm the devil's puppet - People tried to say he could have asked Jesus into his heart in those last moments before his death. Isn't it convenient that you can do that? You can just assume all the non-believers who you love actually did accept Christ at the last second, and then you don't have to face the actual scary, cruel teachings of your religion. -
Kelli

Top 10 Reasons To Be An Atheist

Here is my personal top 10 list of reasons to be an atheist. Most of the items in this list could be categorized as 'top 10 reasons not to be a Christian', but you could easily substitute other religious beliefs as well.

10. No reason to listen to Christian contemporary music. Boy, does it suck! (especially the repetitively dull Hillsong happy happy joy crap).

9. Free to enjoy real life and not worry about an imaginary afterlife. We atheist look forward to a bright future for mankind and not to the destruction of the world in holy wars or Armageddon.

8. Atheists can sleep-in on Sundays. Of course, we realize that most self-proclaimed Christians also do this, but we don't have any guilt over it.

7. No Bible (or other holy book). We atheists don't have to spend an inordinate amount of time defending ridiculous ideas, contradictions and atrocities from 2 thousand year old books.

6. Guilt Free Mocking of Pope and other religious nuts. Religion has given the atheist a plethora of wonderful characters to deride and mock at will such as Pat Robertson, the Nazi-youth Pope and Fred Phelps.

5. SEX! Atheists do not feel obligated to be ashamed of our natural human instincts and biology. We can fully explore our sexual selves without any inappropriate guilt imposed by some fisherman or religious nut 2 thousand years ago (or any other author of religious texts).

4. No Rejection of Science and our own intellect. Atheists do not have to ignore scientific evidence which demonstrates the falsehoods of religious dogma. We are free to explore our intellect without any 'blind spots' imposed by faith. I suppose this is why the average atheist is smarter than the average believer.

3. Atheists are in Great Company. Atheists and agnostics have always been leaders in the advancement of mankind from primitive thinking to an enlightened view. Here is a great list of famous atheists. Even if we (atheists) are wrong, think of how much fun Hell is going to be! I am sure that Mark Twain has swindled Beelzebub from power and Einstein and Thomas Edison have probably worked out the whole Hellfire problem to achieve a climate not unlike St Petersburg, Florida.

2. No Sky Daddy. Is there anything creepier than the idea of a great 'Sky Daddy' looking down at you at every moment? Or even worse, your dead relatives peeking in on your life at inopportune moments. We atheists take responsibility for our own actions and answer to our fellow man, not to some Santa for adults.

1. No Christians after the Rapture! This is assuming that they are right, which is completely unlikely. But even so, could an atheist imagine a better world than one in which all the 'true believers' were suddenly whisked away to free the world of religious division and hatred and allow mankind to put our effort into improving the real world and this life for a change!

George Carlin on religion

God's most embarrassing moments

David said:

And I just had to share what has to be the most ridiculous miracle of all time (at least, I hope so). It takes place in the story of Gideon. Here is Judges 6:36-40, And Gideon said to God, If You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said, 37 behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the grain-floor. And if the dew is on the fleece only, and dry upon all the ground, then I shall know that You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said.

LOL, yeah god, don't go out or your way or anything... wouldn't want to put you out. I think Moses would have been annoyed having to climb a whole damn mountain (more than once) to talk with the guy(god) - especially after only having to previously converse through a local fiery bush. Now he has to climb? What, God couldn't come down the mountain? Does he really have to promote the idea that he's physically above us? Such an ego.

I think God probably regrets the following posts in his Blog.
He should edit them:

Deuteronomy 25: 11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Deuteronomy 22: 28 If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. 29 Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.

Ecclesiastes 3: 19 Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: as one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless.

Numbers 31: 17 Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man by sleeping with him. 18 But all the young girls who have not known a man by sleeping with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Jeremiah 25: 27 "Then tell them, 'This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Drink, get drunk and vomit, and fall to rise no more because of the sword I will send among you.'
Hosea 1: 2 When the LORD first spoke through Hosea, the LORD said to Hosea, "Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the LORD."

Leviticus 20: 27 A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones; their blood shall be upon them.

Leviticus 21: 18 For no one who has a defect shall approach: a blind man, or a lame man, or he that hath a flat nose, of anything superfluous.

Malachi 2: 3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.

Isaiah 13: 15 Whoever is found will be thrust through, and whoever is caught will fall by the sword. 16 Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be plundered, and their wives ravished.

1 Corinthians 8 For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. 9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.


Luke 19: 27 But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

Psalms 137: 9 Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rocks.

Deuteronomy 21: 18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, 19 then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out 20 unto the elders of his city, and 21 all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die.

Proverbs 20: 30 Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.

Numbers 31: 17 Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known a man by sleeping with him. 18 But all the young girls who have not known a man by sleeping with him, keep alive for yourselves.

2 Kings 6: 28 This woman said to me, "Give up your son; we will eat him today, and we will eay my son tomorrow." 29 So we cooked my son and ate him.

Matthew 19:12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; ...and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

Deuteronomy 22:5 A woman shall not wear man's clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman's clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your GOD.

Check out russell's teapot for the full list and accompanying posters. Some of them contain images that will haunt you forever though.. eek! Be warned! Highly recommended.

(quotes) We're made In His image: intolerant, sexist, and violent

The Christian god makes man human, then burns him when he acts like one.

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours" Stephen Roberts

Man created God in his image : intolerant, sexist, homophobic and violent.

Religion does three things quite effectively: Divides people, Controls people, Deludes people.

I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent.

Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, chocolate, and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.

The Dinosaur denial: So you really think that God would plant a bunch of bones in the earth to test your faith? Either you're in denial or God has some serious self-esteem issues.

I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.

You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep-seated need to believe.

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do..And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! ..But He loves you. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! ..But He loves you.

Thomas Paine - Any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be a true system.Mikhail Aleksandrovich Bakunin

- People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life."- Author Unknown"

'God is as real as I am', the old man said. I was relieved since I knew Santa wouldn't lie to me..."..........Author Unknown

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."..........Author Unknown


"I do not believe in god because I do not believe in Mother Goose."..........Clarence Darrow

"I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God."..........Thomas Edison

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."..........Albert Einstein

Religion is like an ice cold whiskey on a hot day...........Ernest Hemingway

"I count religion but a childish toy, and hold there is no sin but ignorance."..........Christopher Marlowe

"Religion is the opiate of the masses."..........Karl Marx

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."..........Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Religion has caused more misery to all men in every state of human history than any other single idea."..........Madelyn Murray O'Hair

"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful God, who creates faulty humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes."..........Gene Roddenberry

"I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other gods you will understand why I dismiss yours."..........Stephen F. Roberts

Why do you write to me "God should punish the English"? I have no close connection to either one or the other. I see only with deep regret that God punishes so many of His children for their numerous stupidities, for which only He Himself can be held responsible; in my opinion, only His nonexistence could excuse Him. ..........Albert Einstein, in a letter to a friend

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death...........George Carlin

"Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis."..........Sigmund Freud, "Future of an Illusion".

"If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction."..........Judith Hayes

Funny religious signature lines

  • Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
  • Can priests turn other food into God, or only those little cookies?
  • Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer
  • Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton
  • ERROR 666: Armageddon detected. Please restart universe and try again.
  • Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
  • First Prayer you should say: 'Dear God, I know you know everything, and I know that you know that I know that you know everything. So, you must know that I'm thankful for life... so I hereby say that I shouldn't have to spend my nights on my knees saying my thoughts to someone who already knows what I think. So this is my last and only prayer... it's either that or get me a damn kneepad.'
  • Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.
  • Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
  • God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
  • God: Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Angel: What are you going to do now?God: I think I'll call it a day.
  • Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra
  • How do we know God doesn't change his mind as much as we do?
  • I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
  • I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill
  • I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
  • I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
  • I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
  • I don't mind Jesus, it's his fan club I can't stand.
  • I saw the light. I turned it off.
  • I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
    If atheism is a religion, then "bald" is a hair color.
  • If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  • If i cant eat chocolate in heaven... then im not going.
  • If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
  • If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
  • If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
  • If we're born again, does that mean we get two belly buttons?
  • If you are going to sin, then sin in the bathroom. Even God has the decency not to look.
  • If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be really comfortable some point along the way?
  • If you live like there's no God... you'd better be right.
  • In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said: We good. And God saw it was too late.
  • In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.
  • In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
  • It's YOUR hell, YOU burn in it
    Make God laugh - plan for the future.
  • Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told.
  • Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.
  • Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear.
  • It annoys them very much. -- G.K. ChestertonNo amount of belief makes something a fact.
  • Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
  • Prayer: 'Dear God, we payed for this food so thanks for nothing.
  • 'Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there...
  • Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
  • Sign on a church: "We aren't Dairy Queen, but we have great Sundays!
  • "Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them.
  • Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
  • Sudden prayers make God jump.
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
  • The Scriptures are shallow enough for a babe to come and drink without fear of drowning and deep enough for theologians to swim in without ever reaching the bottom. - St. Jerome
  • There once was a time when everyone feared God and the Church reigned supreme... it was called the Dark Ages.
  • To YOU I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
  • When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly realized that I was talking to myself.
  • When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Aint-Christian Quotes

Thomas Paine - Any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be a true system.

Mikhail Aleksandrovich Bakunin - People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life."- Author Unknown"

'God is as real as I am', the old man said. I was relieved since I knew Santa wouldn't lie to me..."..........Author Unknown

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."..........Author Unknown

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever until the end of time...but he loves you."..........George Carlin

"I do not believe in god because I do not believe in Mother Goose."..........Clarence Darrow

"I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God."..........Thomas Edison

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."..........Albert Einstein

Religion is like an ice cold whiskey on a hot day...........Ernest Hemingway

"I count religion but a childish toy, and hold there is no sin but ignorance."..........Christopher Marlowe

"Religion is the opiate of the masses."..........Karl Marx

In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."..........Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"Religion has caused more misery to all men in every state of human history than any other single idea."..........Madelyn Murray O'Hair

"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful God, who creates faulty humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes."..........Gene Roddenberry

"I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other gods you will understand why I dismiss yours."..........Stephen F. Roberts

Why do you write to me "God should punish the English"? I have no close connection to either one or the other. I see only with deep regret that God punishes so many of His children for their numerous stupidities, for which only He Himself can be held responsible; in my opinion, only His nonexistence could excuse Him. ..........Albert Einstein, in a letter to a friend

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death...........George Carlin

"Religion is comparable to a childhood neurosis."..........Sigmund Freud, "Future of an Illusion".

"If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction."..........Judith Hayes

You might be a fundy if you ...

- You see nothing wrong with stating "facts" about what God thinks as if you are His personal secretary.

- Know what "OSAS Theology" is.

- Regulary find yourself discussing the finer points of the Pre-Trib Rapture.

- Make sweeping statements like: "there's more evidence that Jesus existed than there is that Julius Ceaser or Alexander the Great existed!" - Complain about christians not being allowed to practice their religion in foreign countries, yet when someone tries to set up a Hindu temple/Mosque/Pagan or new age bookshop in your town you go ballistic and think it shouldn't be allowed.

- Own a gardening business but refuse to do work on a gay couple's house.

- You think Brontosaurs lived peacefully with man during the time of Job.

- You believe the last days are imminent but that doesn't stop you buying more and more property

- Your typical "lay me down to sleep" prayer uses the phrase "Lord Jesus/Lord God" more times than the Bible.

- You swear god and Jesus love absolutely everybody, and yet you rail on in the next minute about how gays, liberals, pagans, and foreigners are going to be condemed to Hell without mercy.

- You believe without every word written in the Bible is infallible truth, you have no doubt we came from dirt and there are talking snakes, and you are more than happy to say Judas died in all of several ways listed in the Bible with a straight face.

- You think Brontosaurs lived peacefully with man during the time of Job.

- God regularly opens up convienent parking spaces, JUST FOR YOU.

- You think everyone but those who believe exactly what you believe are going to be burned in hell forever.

- Even if they believe what you believe, if they happen to be gay or more liberal than you, or different from you in some other way, they are still going to be tortured for all of eternity.- You think people who enjoy science fiction and fantasy because they actually have an imagination (unlike you who have suppressed your imagination), especially those who enjoy the Harry Potter novels, are going to be in hell.

- You think that anyone with a brain who actually uses it and realizes that evolution, not creation, was responsible for bringing life to earth is going to be tortured for all of eternity.- You think that being tortured for all of eternity for any reason is an appropriate punishment.

- You can't grasp basic scientific information and go on struggling to fit square pegs into round holes.