If YOU were God, what would you write in the Bible?

From contributor Gordonliv:

Hey, here's a thought...

Suppose you yourself were God.

You'd created a universe, a few billion stars, some solar systems, time, distance and all...

Then on one of your planets (or - who knows? - maybe more than one!) you decide to create some intelligent, rational creatures who have big brains and control and dominion over the land they occupy. They're so intelligent that they can talk to you... and you to them. So you decide to give them an instruction book.

What would you write in that instruction book?

In my Bible - as Creator Of All Things - I'd give my intelligent, questioning, supplicant creations a lesson in physics.

I'd explain gravity... how it keeps the solar system in equilibrium (at least for the time being). I'd explain nuclear fusion... how it keeps the Sun burning (again, at least for the time being). I'd also explain why I'd created Black Holes and Dark Matter, beacuase those ideas really would puzzle my intelligent creations. A nice, clear, unambiguous explanation would be in order.

I might also tell my little loved creations where else I'd created lfe in the Cosmos. I wouldn't leave it to them to figure it out over millenia... I'd give them some really helpful pointers. I'd say, "Look over here... there's some other fellas! They look a bit different and smell funny, but they'd LOVE to talk to you!"

And I'd say in my instruction book to my my beloved Earthlings, "I love you all so much. You're all so special to me. I won't do anything nasty to you like create any pathogenic bacteria or HIV/AIDS; I won't let you fight or starve. I'll just provide for you... as if you were my little pets!" That's what - among many other things - I'd write in my insruction book.

Feel free to comment here or at the forum (comments here may be copied to @ www.aimoo.com/antichurch)

Thou Shalt What?

From Chaz at The Teapot:

The Bible...

• Permits polygamy [Leviticus 18:18]
• Prohibits sexual intercourse when a woman has her period, under penalty of exile [Leviticus 20:18]
• Sanctions selling your daughter into slavery [Exodus 21:7]
• Bans tattoos [Leviticus 19:28]
• Prohibits eating rare meat [Leviticus 7:24]
• Bans wearing clothes that are made from a blend of textiles, under penalty of death [Leviticus 19:19]
• Prohibits cross-breeding livestock, under penalty of death [Leviticus 19:19]
• Bans sowing a field with mixed seed, under penalty of death [Leviticus 19:19]
• Prohibits eating pigs, rabbits, or some forms of seafood [Leviticus 11:10]
• Requires Saturday to be reserved as the Sabbath, under penalty of death [Leviticus 24:8]
• States that you may not approach the altar of God if you have a defect in your sight [Lev 21:20]

And last, but by no means least, prohibits the touching of the skin of a dead pig [Leviticus 11:8] which makes the football game in question, unless all the players are wearing gloves, a direct act against God and the Bible. Clearly, a lot of laws and directives in the bible have had to yield to the evolution of society and civilization.

Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version

And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even] upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man arose, and didst say:

Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.

And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall.

And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces. Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king ariseth, and thus did say:

I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the multitude of] my men.

And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command, that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid, for they knew not whether `twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it had been in the beginning.

And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought together again.

When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was stilled.

Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

Meryl Arbing & Lorne Brown

The First Page Of The Bible

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read ...

Copyright © 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved.

First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed
300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep

101 Uses for a dead bible

Sorry, I couldn't think of 101, but hopefully you guys can add to the list... 101 Uses for a dead bible

1. Nail it to the end of a long pole and use it to unblock the drains.
2. Use it to jam into the mouth of any rabid, spouting preacher.
3. Rip into pieces and use to line the bottom of parrot cages.
4. Remove hard uncomfortable covers. Drill hole in corner and hang in smallest room in the house for emergencies.
5. Rip into pieces and soak in flour and water. Use as "papier-machier" to make models from.
6. If they were all collected and the paper recycled, it would save thousands of trees.
7. Remove illustrated pages of Jesus and fix to dart board. Challenge your friends to pierce his side first.
8. Clip gospel accounts into sections and challenge fundie to match the accounts. (Keep 'em quiet for months).
9. Hollow it out and use it to store your booze or condoms.
10. Put it in front of the medicine cupboard to keep the children away.
11. Origami!
12. Use your collection for step aerobics.
13. Tie several together to make an anchor for your boat.
14. Tie the big ones to your feet to use as snow shoes.
15. Collect them from your friends and make a life sized replica of stonehenge.
16. Give to children to use as building blocks.
17. Hurl into the air and use as target practice for clay pigeon shooters.
18. Use as shipping material when sending porno magazines to your old church friends.
19. Add your own verses and sneak them into the pews of the local church.
20. Add "All characters are made up" in the front cover and give to a fundie relative.
21. Use them as kneepads when working in the garden. 22. Keep in the car for extra traction when the snow comes.

23. Spit-ball ammunition.
24. Doorstop.
25. Use the big, heavy ones to bust the knee caps of those fundies that attack you.
26. Home instillation.
27. Toilet paper (ink might be toxic though).
28. Keep by the phone to jot down phone numbers.
29. Use them to pave your front yard walkway.
30. Firewood(could keep every homeless person on earth warm for years).

31. Rolling papers
32. Use leather to re-sole shoes
33. Bird cage liner
34. Hamster nesting material
35. Convert to adobe building blocks
36. Drop cloth for paint splatters
37. Paper mache
38. Coffee table books to prop your feet on so you don't scratch the finish
39. Gideon New Testaments make good coasters
40. Tire chocks so your car doesn't roll away
41. Tricks for Trick or Treat...kids will hate getting a bible instead of candy
42. White Elephant gifts at xmas
43. Sell them on Ebay
44. Great shock absorbers for Washers and Dryers.
45. Spacers. My deck is sinking a bit on one corner. Send me your 40 pounders, please.
46. Send them to your redneck cousin to use as blocks under the cars in his front yard
47. Cable tie them to the bumpers on your car for better crash resistance
48. Potty training material for your new puppy
49. Tie them all together and take them to the next Scotish Festival for manly shows of hurling strength
50. Bind them into a vest for when you need body armor
51. Breast augmentation
52. Donate them to PeeWee football for use as shoulder pads
53. Watch the Obits so you can have them engraved and sell them to mourning widows for an exhorbitant fee. "Your dear husband had this engraved and I'm sure he would want you to buy it."
54. Give them to Jehovah's Witnesses...

55. Stuff them into the front of your pants to enhance the size of your "package" (Guys only!) 56. Keep a stack of them by the door and throw them at pests such as dogs, cats, and Jehovah's Witnesses to chase them away. 57. Fold pages into a hat and wear it to church. If someone asks you what the hat is for tell them it keeps demons from reading your mind. If they laugh at you, scream at them and say "you servant of Satan, how dare you tear down the wall of protection I have erected against your foul temptations."

57. Feminine hygene products
58. Hotpads
59. Bookends
60. Acoustic insulation
61. Ear muffs
62. Catcher's mitt padding
63. Manpons..my own invention...male hygene products to reduce the effects of the sweat dripping down the ass cheeks in very hot climates thus reducing the heinous odor produced by the male homo sapien....manpon...get it??

A tribute to those who are Christian by name only

You call yourself a Christian, but

• You still haven't read the Bible all the way through, even though you usually have the 'Fifteen Minutes a Day' it takes. You're conveniently avoiding the numerous tricky scriptures atheists throw at you.
• You get in slumps where you only pray to "God" when you need something, or things are going bad.
• You're secretly happy when circumstances prevent you from going to church.
• You sometimes can't help tuning out the sermon (because it's so "damn" boring)
• You often feel embarrassed by your fellow arms-in-the-air/crying zealot.
• You get annoyed when you're requested to stand (you were obliged to get up early on a weekend; who can blame you?).
• You act like the offering plate is a hot potato when it's passed to you.
• You have closed your eyes or slept during sermon.
  

You call yourself a Christian at HOME

You call yourself a Christian, therefore you believe God will always provide, so why do you sometimes jip God of his tithe because you feel you've wasted money on something that month?

You call yourself a Christian, but you like watching Desperate Housewives just as much as the next guy.

You call yourself a Christian, but you "witness" to other people about as often as you tell them your blood type (or you're in the other extreme and all sense of being "Christ-like" goes out the window when you do).

You call yourself a Christian, therefore are against abortion by default, but what about the millions of half-children you're killing every time you whack off (to porn?).

You call yourself a Christian, so why is it that various sources say that your faith has the highest divorce rate, while atheists have the lowest of all? Ironic, don't you think?

You call yourself a Christian and are against abortion, but when was the last time you gave money or time to crisis pregnacy centres.

You call yourself a Christian and never have the highly advertised "Quiet time with the lord." You think you can make up for it by listening to Christian music in the car, even though most times you aren't even paying attention.

You call yourself a christian, but revel in the idea of eternal torment for those that disagree with your belief system.

You call yourself a christian but find it acceptable that the people you love so much may be sent to eternal torment because they said or thought something contrary to your beliefs.

You call yourself a Christian, but have an idea that some sins are worse than others. Distorting the truth can be justified if it results in a "win" for God, but being gay is undoubtedly an offense worthy of death and eternal fire.

You call yourself christian,but can't accept all other god beliefs, not even the 30 000 plus religious flavors of christ.

You call yourself a Christian, but you adhere to "selective morality" when it comes to obeying what The Word teaches. Don't you love God enough to do what He says? Consider the following:

• People should give one-tenth of their income to the Lord, which Biblicists equate with church (“And all the tithe of the land, whether of the seed of the land, or of the fruit of the tree, is the Lord’s...And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be holy unto the Lord”--Leviticus 27:30-32)

• “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak”-- 1 Corinthians 14:34

• Christian women are supposed to dress discreetly (“...that women should adorn themselves modestly and sensibly in seemly apparel, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly attire”--l Timothy 2:9 RSV

• Shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God”--Deuteronomy 22:5

• “If any man come to me, and not hate his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sister, yet, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).

• "Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?" (l Corinthians 11:14)

• Here is perhaps the mother of verses ignored: “Judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1) and “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged, condemn not and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). I have yet to meet a Christian who has not judged my atheism.

• repetitious and monotonous praying is in violation of Matthew 6:7. “But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.”

• (“But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also”-- Matthew 5:39).

• Biblicists are not allowed to call anyone “father” (“And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven” (Matthew 23:9).

• Christians are not supposed to plan or prepare. God will provide (“Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or that ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on... Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, not gather into barns; yet your heavenly father feedth them. Are ye not much better than they?”

• Tattoos are anathema: (“You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh on account of the dead or tattoo any marks upon you. I am the Lord”--Leviticus 19:28)

• Money cannot be lent at interest to your brother, only to foreigners (Deuteronomy 23: 19-20) Ahhh, I’m recalling all the Christian banking corporations....

• Eating pork is forbidden (Deuteronomy 14:8). Hmm, I’ve never met a Christian who DIDN’T enjoy bacon and eggs.

• A man must marry and have relations with his dead brother’s wife (Deuteronomy 25:5-6). This goes without explaining of course.

• A seducer must marry an unengaged virgin whom he seduces (Exodus 22:16-17)

• A raped, unengaged virgin must marry her rapist and they can never divorce (Deuteronomy 22:28-29). What justice the “moral majority” advocates.

• Bastards can’t enter the Lord’s congregation. (Deuteronomy 23:2) Hey, I know this is harsh, but God commands it, hence it must be “just”.

There are several petty and silly little verses in the O.T., but none the less, they are to be followed. I guess it’s okay to disobey the lord for fashion’s sake. Beards can’t be rounded (Leviticus 19:27); A garment composed of wool and linen can’t be worn (Deuteronomy 22:11)

The Goon Bible project - reading the bible so you don't have to

This is funny... I swear to God it is! Even Christians will laugh.

Alan won't.